This piece is authored by the CEO of The Hartworx – Michael Udoikpa
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always valued friendship and making friends with different kinds of people. Actively seeking it out, even when it doesn’t best serve me. You see I grew up with the notion, that life is best when we surround ourselves with people who care and that if you called a person your friend that person invariably should give a shit.
Well, times have changed and I know better. After years of painstaking ‘friendships’ , back stabbing, being portrayed as the one with ‘the issues’, betrayal and mistrust I finally figured it out. That we should get to pick our friends and not have the deal or put up with ‘what we’ve got’ for whatever sentimental reasons.
The truth is old friends are great, takes you back to the good old times of your life and most times, that’s about as good as it gets. Other times the over familiarity can breed resentment and what Nigerians call ‘see finish’.
They’ve known you their whole life, think they know everything there is and somehow can’t picture, or phatom the fact you capable of more. These type of friends, you should limit, because they only end up projecting their fears and insecurities on you. They become your biggest naysayers.
Also read: Top 10 Marketing Agencies in Lagos, Nigeria 2022
A lot of people, myself included have made friends based on circumstances, from growing up in the same neighborhood, or school mates or church buddies or sports and there’s nothing wrong with that. But maybe if we give ourselves time, study ourselves as a person, understand our needs and what we require and can offer, then we’ll be okay and ready to get involved in one.
I’ve seen ‘friendships’ tear and break people, leaving them miserable, in selfdoubt and constant self loathing. Then you ask, why? Why he or she doesn’t just walk away? and most times the reason would be ‘time’.
Time is the primary issue. We invest time, and our memory banks are filled with moments we can’t seem to shake off. The longer you’ve been with and known a person affects how objective you can be when it comes to matters concerning them.
The time problem always revolves around these questions- How do l move on, start a fresh, learning and trusting all over again? and frankly it’s hard.
It’s a huge mental block we must climb and overcome in order to see things clearly. This is especially important when you become an adult, in a blood thirsty and gut spilling world where most don’t really give a fuck.
You need the right team in your corner, a circle that believes in you, pushing, supporting, constructively criticizing and actively investing in you and your dreams. People that understand, a win for you is a win for them and when it comes down to it, you’d the same for them.
You might be lucky enough to have found this person(s) earlier in life or still in the process, like me and most people and it’s fine. I guess it’s better late than never.
. . .
Below are some vital and pertinent questions you should ask yourself before you start making friends with anyone:
- Who is this person?
A cumulation of personality, background, family, upbringing, experience and more makes up who an individual is. So it’s imperative you know these things through conversations.
- What are his or her values?
Its easy to connect with the right people if can assess their values. Which are things that drive them as a person. Shitty values equals a shitty person.
- Do our values align?
If there’s a conflict in values, in no time there would be clashes in ideas, personality and eventual resentment.
- What does he or she want from life?
The size of their dreams matters. If you hang people who think or dream too small, they’d most likely be overwhelmed when you start discussing your big ideas and plans.
- When the chips are down, can you count on him or her to be there?
You need to make sure you not messing with a fair weather friend because Life is never void of challenges.
- Is he or she sensitive?
The last thing you need to have to deal with are insensitive people. They’ll only just get on your nerves, especially when they can’t relate to the things you go through. You don’t want to get caught up having to explain yourself all the time.
Also read: How to Successfully Launch a Business or Product in Nigeria
If the answers you get are not satisfactory, then by all means, avoid, deflect, do whatever you need to stay clear of such union.
Hence, it’s best that we take really great care and time in choosing the people we surround ourselves with. So that in the end, when it really matters the most, we can make friendships that truly counts.
Always remember this popular quote by Ziad K. Abdelnour, “You are only as good as the people you surround yourself with, so be brave enough to let go those who keep weighing you down”.